written by Donna
*** Warning: This article contains spoilers for Stardew Valley. ***
This article is the opinion of the author and not a definitive ranking based on professional gameplay and cost/benefit analysis. All opinions contained in this article are largely made in jest and are meant to be fun and good-hearted.
6. Shane — The Fixer-Upper
Shane is the least desirable bachelor of Stardew Valley. If you’re the kind of guy/gal who enjoys a hot mess, then Shane is the husband for you.
Cons: Shane spends most of his time in The Stardrop Saloon, and to say that he has an alcohol problem would be an understatement. Beer is the way to Shane’s heart, literally. Gifting him a beer from The Stardrop is one of the quickest and easiest ways to earn his love.
Shane is also incredibly rude before you fill his belly full of drink. When you interact with him with zero friendship points, Stardew Valley’s least eligible bachelor says things like “What do you want from me? Money? I’d give you a pot of gold to leave me alone!” and “You again? How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone?”
Once married, things don’t improve. Shane will gift you food and help repair fences like any other Stardew Valley spouse, but when he doesn’t do the occasional chore for you, he lounges around the house. After your wedding, he quits his job at the Joja Mart and starts loafing around because he has nothing better to do. He practically brags about how long he sat around doing nothing while you were out busting your tail to provide for the farm.
Pros: Shane isn’t all bad, though. He is probably the most relatable of all the Stardew Valley bachelors. Like you and me, he’s a gamer and has real-world problems. After increasing friendship points with him, Shane begins to open up, and it becomes clear that he suffers from depression. If realistic and relatable is the kind of fantasy husband you’re in the market for, then Shane is probably the bachelor for you. He’s open and honest about his problems and admits to getting into “weird moods sometimes,” but he makes it clear that it’s never actually about you.
Plus, in becoming his husband/wife, you’re automatically guaranteed to hatch some of those sweet blue chickens!
5. Alex — The Jock
Our fifth most eligible bachelor is Alex, the sports enthusiast and total bro.
Cons: Alex is that guy who could never get past his high school star athlete days. You know the one: the guy who peaked at 16 and will still be reminiscing on his star quarterback plays well into his forties. While Alex may no longer be quick at throwing passes, he is quick to pass judgement. Upon first meeting a male character, Alex may tell tell him that he’d like to play catch with him, but he “don’t really look like the sports type.” Whatever that means. And worse, when he meets a female character, he says, “if you weren’t a girl I’d ask you to play catch.” We all know exactly what that means. Sorry Alex, but sexism and passing judgement aren’t cute.
If that judgmental attitude and blatant sexism don’t dissuade you from marrying Alex, then maybe the room he adds to your quaint ranch home will. After saying your vows, Alex puts a sports room, complete with with fake grass carpeting, football wallpaper, and bodybuilder posters in a room right off from yours. Not in the basement. Not in the garage. In your home. It is by far the worst spouse room of all the Stardew Valley bachelors, and Shane’s is filthy mess.
Pros: Because Alex is still caught up in the idea of going pro, he works out nonstop. You won’t have to worry about this husband getting the dreaded “dad bod.”
4. Harvey — The Doctor
Coming in at number four is Harvey, Stardew Valley’s one and only doctor.
Cons: Harvey doesn’t like cheese or bread. Now, maybe I can understand someone not liking cheese, but bread? Really? Bread? Harvey is a health nut, which may explain why he doesn’t want to eat it every day. But there’s a small chance that he might be a serial killer, since he’s unwilling to enjoy a fresh baguette (gluten free or otherwise) every now and then. You have to ask yourself, is Harvey’s love really worth the risk of becoming a statistic?
Pros: In the off chance Harvey isn’t a sociopath seeking to murder every Stardew Valley resident, he makes a decent husband. Harvey is a bit older than the other bachelors, and with that age comes a more refined palate and mature companion. He enjoys the finer things in life, like wine, coffee, and truffle oil and regularly cooks healthy meals to keep you fit and farming. He also occasionally offers you a massage to “reduce the inflammation in your muscle tissue!” It is unclear if the game will ever actually allow him to give you a massage, but it’s the thought that counts.